Apart

(Libbie Poirier, Class of 2014, Diploma in Hand)

I can't quite believe I'm saying this: but tonight was not a special night at all. The only real thing that I can think of being so special, is that I finally figured out; what I really didn't want to figure out in the first place.

I didn't belong there, I never did. I tried to push and pry myself in, and I did a good job, until I no longer could do a good job, and I no longer could withstand my false sense of securities all around me.

I graduated tonight. Not a little one, a big one, a graduation of 13 accumulated years, all leading up to this moment, where I finally received my diploma, or a diploma holder, which I will exchange later for the real thing.

I thought I would be happy, exhilarated and thrilled, I even expected sadness, but no, not happiness, not sadness... just.... nothing. It's as if I wasn't even there. It wasn't a big deal to me, but it seemed like the biggest deal to everyone else.

What I realized tonight, probably should have been realized a long time ago, but I don't think I was ready for it. What I realized tonight, is that I'm not one of them, I'm not one of my fellow classmates. And truth is, I don't want to be.

Tonight I realized, that after becoming baptized, I lost so much. I lost my friends, I lost my status at school, I lost my interest in things so worldly. Not only did they lose interest in me, but I lost interest in them. I no longer cared to talk to them or hang out with them, or see them, at all. It was a choice I had to make so I could stay on this straight and narrow. Not all members of this church have to make this choice, in fact, it's advised not to. It is not right to isolate yourself from everything and everyone around you. But I did, because I know that I couldn't be involved with my friends, with their activities, and still live a worthy life.

It's three in the morning, and I kind of feel like crying. I can't think of one person right now, whom I could call and explain this to. Not one. And to think, I just spent this whole night surrounded by people whom I should have apparently spent my four years with. I gave that up nine months ago when I got baptized; but I didn't realize how much was gone until now.

I'm not a part of it. I was never supposed to be a part of it. And that's the part that hurts the most. God planned for me to lose it, he planned for me to lose this all, in order for me to gain the knowledge, faith, strength, and guidance offered in his church. It hurts. It hurts more than I can feel right now.

Sometimes I ponder a different life, with different circumstances, with different friends; but that would also include a different me. And what I realized tonight, is that I LIKE ME. I am proud of me. I am the happiest me that I could ever be, and I'm this way, feeling and knowing that there is no one I could call right now to talk to. There is no one whom I could put my entire trust. The only person the Lord has provided right here, right now, in this specific moment, is Christ. And that's exactly where the Lord wants me to turn.

I'm not a part of this, but I'm not supposed to be a part of it. And God is proud,  and I am proud, that tonight, I realized just how far away I am from everyone else.